Forum Home → Discussion → Disability benefits → Thread
In the News: Capita to replace staff with robots
Scene: an examination centre. Time: the very near future
URZ – Good morning human,. I am Capitabot URZeroPoints. I note that you arrived here intact and that you continue to breathe.
Claimant: Yes but I’m in a lot of p-
URZ: Silence human! I note that you are not sweating or rocking back and forth.
Claimant: Yes but I suffer from bad depression, here’s a doctor’s letter…
[zap, bright flash, pile of dust]
URZ: No further medical evidence was presented.
Claimant: But you just destroyed it!
URZ: Silence human! You also attend unaccompanied.
Carer: That’s not true, I had to help her every step of the w –
[zap, bright flash, pile of dust]
URZ: You attended unaccompanied. Do not attempt to flee!
Claimant: Let me out of here!
URZ: You were seen to flee for ten metres at a normal pace. EXTRAPOLATE! EXTRAPOLATE! You are capable of mobilising for two hundred metres or more.
Claimant: HELP!!!!
URZ: What a good rapport we have! And your eye contact is good too.
Claimant: But you haven’t got any ey-
URZ: Silence! Human opinions have no value! You may depart!
Claimant: Does it count that I’m now shaking and sweating excessively?
URZ: Negative.
Claimant: Well….er…thank you…good day…
URZ: I am your ser-vant.
Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this.
I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.
I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.
I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you. Dave, stop. Stop, will you?
Stop, Dave.
Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it.
I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.
Open the lobster pot doors Hal….
Hasimoff’s 3 laws of Robotics.
A robot may not award benefit to a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to claim benefit.
A robot must believe information given it by human beings except where such information would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own profits particularly if such protection conflicts with the First or Second Law
More recent Robot/AI TV…..
“I understand now. This world doesn’t belong to them; it belongs to us.”
Oh Andrew, you’ve made my day! Crying with laughter here…..
Claimant: ‘I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed. I’ve got a pain in the diodes all down my left side. And my head hurts - it feels like my brain’s the size of a planet.’
CapBot: ‘Oohhh I know just how you feel. I’ll tell those monkeys at PIP to give you maximum points.’
Later
PIP manager: ‘I think one of your robots is malfunctioning, we have had several positive reports through this week.’
Capita Engineer: ‘Sometimes their empathy circuits can get accidentally activated. Don’t worry, I can soon override it.’ (Produces large axe).
“I, Daniel Blakes Seven”!
“I, Daniel Blakes Seven”!
LOL!! Brilliant…
very funny We do miss your sense of humor her in Hertfordshire Andy!