On my way home from work yesterday I found this transcript of an interview at the jobcentre in the back of a taxi. The matter is currently in the hands of the Boys in Blue ( no not Everton).

Employment Adviser: Come in and take a seat Ms Scrungebucket. Or may I call you Debbie?

Claimant: If you want but me name’s Clytemnestra

EA: Ah! So your parents must be fond of the classical world I take it?

C S: Oh yeah! Me dad’s got everything by Beethoven what he ever wrote.

EA: (sighs heavily) Well the purpose of today’s meeting is to establish a rapprochement vis-à-vis you and I so I may facilitate for you a fortuitous progression into a remunerative position.

CS: Yer wot!!

EA: To find you a job.

CS: Well why didn’t you say so?

EA: I thought I just, oh never mind! Let’s start at the beginning. Do you have any qualifications?

CS: Yeah! I got two GCSE’s.

EA: Really, well that’s a good start. What are they?

CS: Home Ec’ and Quantum Mechanics.

EA: (astonished) really?

CS: Na! I was lying. I only got one.

EA: Ah! Now that’s more like it

CS: Yeah! I failed Home Ec’. (giggles).

EA: Very amusing.

CS: Well you started it!

EA: Let’s try a different approach shall we. Do you have any idea of what you want to do with your life?

CS: Yeah! I want to be a footballer’s wife.

EA: (under his breath) oh my giddy aunt! (slowly and with emphasis) you want to be a footballer’s wife! Anyone in particular?

CS: Na! But I have been following them Bradford Bulls.

EA: (animatedly) but they’re a rugby league team

CS: (puzzled) I wondered why the ball was eggy and no one ever got a yellow card for hand ball.

EA: (almost beside himself) you never wondered why the ball was eggy? Are you certifiable?

CS: Certy wot?

(EA slowly gets up from desk, visibly shaking, and leaves the room. He returns five minutes later after a ‘chat’ with his supervisor).

EA: Ok! Let us re-focus here. Do you have any idea about how you are going to become a footballer’s wife? For instance what steps do you intend to take?

CS: Well my mate Shazza says we should start going to Annabelle’s every weekend.

EA: And do many footballers go there then?

CS: Well Shazza says they all go. There’s that Dennis Law, Ian St John, Rodney Marsh. Oh, and that fella off the telly, you know, erm, erm, Gary Spinnaker.

EA: But they’re…..oh never mind. Lets discuss your availability shall we?

CS: Well I’m available for weddin’s!

EA: No, no, no! I mean would you be available to become a footballer’s wife with as little as 24 hours notice?

CS: Yeeeahh!! Why is there one here now?

EA: Oh yes. We are constantly being invaded by footballers with nothing better to do other than to parade through jobcentres.

CS: You don’t have to take that tone I was only askin!

EA: You’re right. I’m sorry. That was very unprofessional of me. Please sign your jobseekers agreement. I’m afraid that you are absolutely unemployable. You’d make an excellent footballer’s wife. Goodbye!

She sounds like she knows as much about football as me!!!